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Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.