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Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.