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If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.