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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.