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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.