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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.