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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
Own the day
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.