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I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.