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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.