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Match dot com, but for socks.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.