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I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.