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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.