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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.