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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?