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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?