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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.