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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.