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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.