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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?