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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.