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It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Siri, where are my pants?
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.