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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.