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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?