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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.