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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.