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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Marriage tip: Don`t
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.