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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"