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Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.