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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.