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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.