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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."