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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married