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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.