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Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."