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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.