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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.