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Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav