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This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.