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The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.