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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"