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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon