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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.