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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Iām not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.