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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"