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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
It needs more cowbell!!