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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.