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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?