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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?