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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.