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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
And then her mood ring just...exploded
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.