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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.