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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.