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Before the internet I used to like people.
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, Iād spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.