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I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.