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Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.