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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.