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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.