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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.