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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.