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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?