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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...