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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.