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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
You look like I need another drink
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.