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When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.