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My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.