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If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".