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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.