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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.