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Most problems can be solved with nudity
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.