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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?