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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
I just ran a .003048K
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.