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Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!