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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.