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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Velcro is a ripoff
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.