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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
New day, same old bullsh!t
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.