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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...