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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Iām not getting old. Iām becoming a classic.
Iām a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING