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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.