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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
People assume Iām smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.