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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.