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I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly Iām a big deal...
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
I need a new bad decision.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.