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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.