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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.