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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".