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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet