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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Theirye’re, problem solved.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale