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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?