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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.