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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....