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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.