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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.